Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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