The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
