You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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