Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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