She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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