im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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