I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
