I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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