Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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