Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
