A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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