I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
