your thong is hanging out like whoa
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize