What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
