So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
