Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
