In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
