my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize