people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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