I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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