so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Ladies don't puke and tell
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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