wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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