There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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