I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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