From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize