Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
