Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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