you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
