You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
be right there i have to get my cape
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
