you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
