What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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