He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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