I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
