Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
