I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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