Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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