between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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