I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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