That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
