the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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