would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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