Umm I'm too high to move.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
