I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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