My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
