got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
