was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize