dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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