If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
