btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
