I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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