i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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