As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
