So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
