best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
