A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
