she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
