Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
