I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize