i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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