Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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