I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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